My PICKER is broken. (No, but YOU might be!) A little about the lies that we tell ourselves.
I got married on November 19th, just a couple weeks ago. (I still remember our wedding anniversary, Aubrey! I got this………..)
Prior to that I had been married for 17 years and divorced for 5. During divorce, I dated. I dated a lot actually. Part of that was because I wanted to find a great match, but I also needed time to heal and work on myself. You see, I realized that I was divorced and single in large part because of who I was and what type of a husband I had been. As I healed, sitting around and trying to blame someone else for my problems, just didn’t like an honest way to live.
One of my least favorite parts of dating was the explanation that you often received from your date why they hadn’t found love yet. Or why one or more of their prior marriages didn’t work out. Why they had been married multiple times. Another bummer was the comment that, “There are just no good guys (or gals) out there.” I even saw a man pose the question on Facebook just the other day, “Are all women narcissists?”
And these people have this constant futility about love around them (and even those that remain unfulfilled in marriage) because of THEMSELVES, not everyone else, like they think. Perhaps my favorite comment of all was, “I think my PICKER is broken.” In dating lingo, your picker is what you use to choose a date, girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse. This was a phrase that people said that apparently had “picked” the wrong person over and over again.
They were basically saying that they were a good person. That they had few if any real problems and that they just happened to keep picking the wrong people. So, it was their picker, not them, that kept making the mistakes. I never did get over this comment and quite a few people used it to explain what was going on in their life. What a lie! Again, we don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are. I heard this in other forms on dates or from friends too:
1. All men are superficial. They aren’t interested in who I am on the inside.
2. Women just want me for my money and the life that I can provide them.
3. Once they meet my kids, they don’t want me anymore.
4. All men are liars and aren’t in touch with their real feelings.
5. I’ve never met a woman that is content with herself or anyone else.
And the sad part is that for them, they were RIGHT. They were only attracting these things to their lives. They were either inviting these types of people to themselves or people were more likely to respond in one of these fashions because of the way that they both interacted. And it wasn’t going to change anytime soon for them either.
I remember going on a date and the woman started off dinner with about a 20-minute explanation of all the things her ex-husband had done, what a bum he was, how bad she felt for the woman he was dating now and how she wanted to call and warn the new woman of what he was really like. I could tell that she and I weren’t going to be a match, so I decided tried something different. I had nothing to lose. When she stopped attacking him long enough to take a drink of her soda I blurted out, “My marriage didn’t work because of me.” I then went on and listed:
1. I was too often impatient with my ex and children.
2. I was gone more than I should have been.
3. I didn’t forgive enough and held grudges that kept my feelings of love away.
4. I expected more than I often gave.
5. I wasn’t nearly as supportive as I should have been.
6. I didn’t take care of myself well enough, so I felt uncomfortable towards her.
7. I was never nearly appreciative enough of all the things that she did for me and our children.
These things were all true, but most people dating would never say that about themselves. Too many of us are more interested in portraying something isn’t true and thus would inevitably attract something that they didn’t want. And this type of behavior is rampant in MARRIAGE as well. Think back to why someone recently told you why they aren’t happy in love. Consider the story you might be telling yourself why you’re suffering so much in your relationship with your spouse.
After I said these things back to this woman, she just didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t decide if she should run away, admire me or ask more questions. She was literally paralyzed for a few minutes. I could tell that I had been more honest and open with her than she was prepared to be with herself. And it made her very uncomfortable. In her defense, I could have been more tactful about my sharing. I learned to be after that.
While I didn’t feel sad that things didn’t work out with her and I hadn’t tried to hurt her in any way, it was hard to realize again that people just aren’t often honest with themselves in what is going wrong in love or any other area of their life. But we are all so willing to walk around and place blame. What a sad way to live. The only thing all the areas of your life have in common is YOU. And YOU will always be the only common denominator too.
I learned something precious that day. Being completely honest with yourself is the best way to live. It is so liberating. We aren’t vulnerable, we are powerful. We aren’t exposed we are enriched. We don’t look and feel like less, we become more confident and able to give real love. We don’t attract unhealthy people and unhappy situations, we attract value and love. This way of living brought me the love of my life too!
I challenge you to see how awesome living like this can be by COMMENTING below on something you can do better or need to change in your life. You will find lots of support in love in your efforts. I DARE you to do it. 🙂 It will set you free.
There is a better way to live. Life can be different than it has EVER been before. Change is possible. Being honest with ourselves and what is at our cores can bring many improvements. As I’ve learned to love, accept and see myself for who I am, and become grounded it that understanding, everything around me has changed. And the change was immediate.
You can change too if there are things in your life that aren’t in harmony with your life goals and aspirations. Positive relationships, vibrant health, financial prosperity, divine worth, self-esteem and more can be yours.
I’m putting on a FREE seminar to share some of the things I’ve learned and to try and help others see themselves differently also. Seating is very limited as the event will be intentionally small and intimate. If you are interested, comment below or private message me. Prosperity, in many aspects of life, can be yours as soon as you are ready! Take your future by FORCE. Stop living below your destiny.
I also do personal and business coaching for anyone that is interested in making these changes. Facebook severely limits others’ access to these posts. If you found value in this one, please like, comment and SHARE. Hope to hear from you.